The Cat…

I’m sure you have heard the expression; the cat got your tongue.   Typically, someone will say it when a response is expected but not received.   Now I’m not sure what the cat has to do with it, but I get the idea behind the old saying. 

Lately I have been struggling to put my feelings and ideas into words.  I’m honestly not sure why.  I normally don’t have that issue.   I tend to articulate things pretty well.  Here lately, not so much.  I’m sure it has to do with the feelings of being overloaded or overwhelmed, but honestly, I don’t feel those.  I feel lost more than anything. 

I am constantly pursuing making things better for myself and my family.  I feel like I’m spinning my wheels at times, but it’s to be expected.  Sometimes I’m pushing for more when I should probably be waiting.  I do things without getting direction most of the time.  That is 50/50 if it will go well in the end, especially when I’m the one who is pushing the idea.

I realized my prayer life has gotten worse than it already was in this past week or two.  I was punched in the gut by the realization of that I go to my own thoughts and strengths first.  I don’t let God be my first call for help. 

That realization was a tough one to swallow, but the reason why was even harder.  I am impatient.  I want what I want and I want it now.  I used to pray more often and when things didn’t work out, I kept a record.  I kept a record of when “God failed me.”   How crazy is that?   Who am I to even judge his “failures”?   I felt that way because I didn’t hear from him with the information I wanted. 

Looking back and reflecting on my life, I can see where the Lord had his hand on me.  Even when I rebelled, even when I rejected him.  All the struggles I have endured are for a purpose, I’m just not sure what it is yet.  That’s why I I feel like the cat got God’s younger sometimes. 

The reality is that it is all in my head.  I’ve been given steps to take; I’ve been given grace and compassion in my failures.  All that’s left is for me to be patient and wait till I hear something again.  And that’s easier said than done. 

“But as I stood there in silence— not even speaking of good things— the turmoil within me grew worse.”

Psalms 39:2 NLT