Grief is weird.
Grief is a weird thing to navigate. At first, it’s bad, but then you start to have more and more good days, even some good days in a row. Then out of nowhere it hits you just as hard as the first day.
I have been navigating the grief of losing my son for a year and about 4 months now. This past week has been especially hard. It was his birthday this past Saturday. He would have been 17 years old. The start of school is hard as well; he would have been starting his senior year of high school. So many things lately have him on my mind more than usual.
I am no expert on grief. When I grieved my father or most of my grandparents, I was young and didn’t do it the right way. Back then, I had the attitude that life didn’t really matter anymore. Basically, I lived for each day and nothing else. I didn’t concern myself with consequences, goals, religion, or any long-term plan. I just ended up drinking and partying a lot. I even got a tattoo of the grim reaper on my shoulder because “death was always over my shoulder.” I have since had it covered up with a much more positive design though.
This time around is much different. I am older, much more mature, I am a Christ follower. I see this terrible event in a much different light than I did back then when I was young. I don’t see this as the end. I see it as a shift in direction in my life. My life was blessed with 15 years of having my son. He was an amazing kid, talented in many things, a strong Christian, giving, loving, caring, etc. He was awesome. Losing him has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
I honestly kept myself busy for a while to not have to think about it. I tried to be the anchor for my family because someone had to still be able to take care of things around the house and be able to make some of the hard decisions. While all that was admirable, I kept myself from truly being able to grief his loss. I knew he was gone, and it hurt but I kept that pain tucked away and kept trudging through life. I started new projects, this blog was one of them, just to keep moving forward.
I guess things have hit me differently in the last few months. Those projects that used to take a lot of my time have toned down their time requirements. I find myself thinking more about my son and how our life has changed since he left us. That in turn has left me a lot more time to dwell on the void left in my life. It is not a pleasant place to be by any means, but I try to see it as I get to relive a lot of memories we made, look at pictures, and try to not dwell on the fact that there will be no more memories with him. I try my best to stay out of the “would have, should have, could have” thoughts because they only end in misery for me.
My mission in life has not changed since getting back into this new to me stage of grief. I still want to keep improving my life and the lives of my family members, I want to have a successful business, and I genuinely want to find a way to help others who are dealing with similar problems. This blog is only the first step in that journey. I am not sure where it will end up, and that’s ok.
This week, if you are stuck in the same stage of grief that I am, stop and relive the good times. It has really helped my mindset.
Psalms 34: 18-20 NIV
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.”